4,000

At about this time in 2008 2007, I was struggling to finish a sketchbook as part of my drawing foundations final. So again, I am now. The differences between then and now are staggering in a "wow what a trip" kind of way. My drawing skills have improved a lot, and I am far more comfortable with what I do. I can be happy and proud of that kind of work. This current sketchbook is bigger, and I am using both sides of the paper. I've had it going for a year, not just one semester. 

Lots of differences, but the one that matters most is that then I was filling the book for a class, and now I am doing it for myself. Arbitrary goals in both cases, but the self imposition is key. My goal for the year, my first year with no college classes, has been to fill 20 sketchbooks. I did 24 last year, between my thesis grind and a fevered struggle to keep up that pace after graduation. 20, I thought, would be a very reasonable follow up, especially important in a year where it has been consistently difficult to paint. 

Until last week, I had made peace with falling short of that goal of 20. It was okay I reasoned, because I've still drawn a lot. I've improved to the point where I feel ready to finally to push my art out of the nest and into the wider world. So what did the arbitrary goal matter? Last week, I realized why - if I am going to reach my professional and personal goals, I need all the practice I can get at meeting my own arbitrary standards. I have to learn to be my own boss, and that's difficult, so any practice is good. And so I am struggling to fill a behemoth of a sketchbook, the first I've done since childhood that I've kept going for so long without filling. The first I have ever approached with the intention of it standing as an art object all on its own, with far more time given to each drawing that my usual frantic sketches. 

I started it at the beginning of this year of the Snake with those goals, and they have sort of come full circle: I've learned this year to slow down my process sometimes, and give more attention to each drawing. My books have improved because of it, and its been a slow but rewarding process upgrade. It is also a physical example of everything that I need to achieve not only professionally, but also in ultimate. In both endeavors I've always lacked follow through, and practice is needed to attain it. It is crucial that I keep setting arbitrarily high standards for myself, and little by little, working to uphold them. Even if its slow and mind numbingly frustrating at times. 

Even if I occasionally hate myself for falling short. Even if I get distracted, hurt or held down by the elements of life beyond my control. That's the game, folks, as I see it. Everything comes down to making yourself keep on and keep on hacking away at goals, and you have to set those goals for yourself, because most of the ones imposed by outside forces are insufficient or irrelevant to what you want to get out of life. 

Time for work. Have a good one, blagosphere.