Slowing bringing daily throwing back into my life as a casual activity. Worked on short and midrange backhands today. I've decided to change up my backhand attack with an emphasis on more snappy, speedy throws and the give and go move. Not exclusively, but I've realized my backhands have been way too floaty and more power and snap will get them back on track.

Forehands look kind of ugly, its just rust. Need to keep consistent angles. My forehand was not stellar last season, so I have to start building it now. In general, I have a lot more to offer as a thrower, so consistent practice between now and the start of the season will help me get to where I want to be.

Go throw. Its fun.

Indent

So here's what you're struggling with in a nutshell: adapting to the new paradigm of being your own boss, being an invisible fish in a sprawling yawning ocean of a pond. You're nothing right now, and that scares you, because you got used to the metaphorical four walls of your five years of college experience, where you climbed to the top of your environment, or close enough. You knew it would be a shock leaving and joining the real world, but knowing something does not prepare you for the shock of it, you're not that kind of logical. So here you are now, and you've at least realized that you're back at the bottom of the hill again, and that its okay to be there. Frustrating, sure but nothing comes instantly. It will take years of work to get where you want to go, and that's okay. It will take months of training on top of the groundwork for those years of work and that is okay. You are imaginative enough to make tenuous peace with the idea of devoting yourself to learning to be your own boss, and not hating yourself in the meantime, insofar as that is possible. You're learning to manage your expectations.

So here it is: start climbing. The mountain in front of you is steep, jagged and ominous. It towers over every hill you've climbed thus far. But along the way you have more to gain, and  it is possible because of the work you've already put in. Keep talking to yourself, keep telling yourself that you are doing fine, and eventually you will be. 

Fake it til you

Self advocacy, self awareness, humility, drive, work, work, work, work when you're tired. That's the means to an end, the goal, the dream, success, everything you've ever wanted. The end is no end though, it is an unending series of triumphs and setbacks that lead to goals, but does it ever end? Not for people like me. People like me, either work and work and work forever or lose their spark and burn away, depressed and defeated.

Or who knows, maybe the drive lessons some day. Maybe you can become satisfied at some point, rest on your laurels, or just relax once in a while without the gnawing at the back of the mind. Maybe there is an alternative to the ceaseless clockwork grind towards the unknown, dancing on a tightrope over a void teeming with the howling devils of willful self destruction. Maybe one day I'll calm down and embrace how reality is now, maybe it will even feel nice.

For now though, I just want to be able to make myself do what needs to be done to look at myself in the mirror and smile proudly. Fucking hell. Keep on.

The Princess and the Frog

Nationals is underway, and boy was that Chain - Bravo game fun to watch, all on the big screen and everything. Good stuff. That Jimmy Mickle, my goodness. The new format is pretty interesting. I can't help but wonder if Goat sandbagged in an attempt to draw Ironside in prequarters, or to save legs for the elimination games. Both seem unlikely, but enough people were talking about that kind of thing going on as a consequence of the new format that I can't get it out of my head.

No matter what, Goat can't be too happy with how things played out. Drawing Doublewide in the first round is rough. For that matter, Doublewide sure has a tough road to finals: they have to go through Goat and Bravo on the same day, and then Revolver in semis. Yikes. On the other side, it seems like a pretty open and shut case, Ironside and Sockeye in semis. But what do I know? Not a lot.  It will be interesting to read the retrospective analysis and see if anyone can make sense of how the new format effected the eventual outcome. I'd love to see an Ironside and Doublewide final, which I think I've just stated on this blog for the third year in a row. Ironside was a very cool to watch and play against, a class act that deserves to finally bring home the gold. And if Doublewide wins I get to tell Cat "I told you so".

There's nothing good on cable after 4:30. That has to be a sign. Big day today. Yesterday was our first captain's meeting of the 2014 campaign. My appetite is wet. Awww yeah.

Good morning, blog friends. Hope some of you suckers ponied up for the live feed and get to watch some games today. I didn't, but I might yet.

Stacker Pentecost

Climb in your giant robot, and fight.

Milestones

I've been trying to fudge the math to convince myself that I've been playing frisbee for ten years for quite some time now, but it will actually be true this spring, I'm almost sure of it. I started throwing in the summer of 2003, so its been ten years of that, and while I played ultimate a few times in the fall, it was spring of 04 that I began playing every day at lunch.

Ten years. For those keeping score at home, that places ultimate pretty high on the timescale of things I've chosen to do: Drawing (22 years) > Reading (15 years?) > Ultimate (nearly 10) > Magic: the Gathering (played for 9 years regularly) > kissing girls (8 years and counting, one hopes) > Drinking (5 years and counting, let's be honest) > Writing "Megiddo" (4 years and noone has read a word yet) > Considering Myself an Adult (about a year, ha ha) > Playing Club Open (1 season and counting!)

Went to pickup in Brooklyn for the first time on Monday. Got there a half hour early, and caught the last few points of a high school match. Some school that begins with an R vs Bard High School. As it happened, an old friend and opponent from Bard College was there, and we discussed who on the team he should approach about playing with Bard in college. It was something, seeing an actual high school match. I worked really hard to get ultimate going in my high school but with no experience and little guidance we never got to the level where we were playing organized matches (other than one scrimmage with the burgeoning John Jay Air Raid, probably described in this blog somewhere). That would have been really cool. We didn't really know any strategy. It was a great environment to develop as a dynamic thrower, but it didn't do much for the basics.

Anyway, it was cool seeing these young dudes get the opportunity to play serious high school ultimate. It was not the most competitive game, but both teams played with heart and fairly good fundamentals. Bard High School won by a good margin but both teams were striking deep and had defined offensive systems. It seemed like whichever team remembered to center the disc scored any given point, or else it was a huck to a streaking dude. It was fun to watch.

Afterwards, got a workout in with Bucky (ouch! only once circuit and I'm still feeling it. He did twice as much and still ran harder than me after, that's a hint about how hard one would have to work to have a shot at playing pro in NY) and played some good solid pickup. The Mcarren group, as several people had told me, is a lot of fun. With Mcarren and winter league I can hopefully play straight through until spring, at least once a week. That would be a huge boost over last off season. Basically I'm just excited for ultimate in the way I used to get in high school, where I'd feel giddy just walking to the field.

10 years of throwing, this off season is where I will prove to myself that its all been worth it.
That's kind of melodramatic.
Okay.

shadows on the wall of the cave

There are twelve discs on my wall now, in two neat rows of six. At night, my painting lamp has them casting oblong shadow selves in a most pleasing way.

Under the disc rows are two pictures of the Stonefish - the original drawing that became our blue jersey design, and the frantic happy scrawled fish I drew to post on the facebook group after we qualified for regionals.

This past summer it took me forever to get the jersey designs done. Their design process serves as a pretty good metaphor for my captaining performance versus how I plan to captain next season: the design process lacked confidence and punctuality, and was was put on the back burner due to tasks in other areas of life.

On the other hand, we have eight months or so to plan and get ready for the upcoming season, and the confidence of knowing that this team works, is really fun, and has a high competitive ceiling. I am more confident about ultimate, and life, than I have been in a long time, and I will be ready to be a strong, confident leader and positive role model next season. I have a long time to work on it, and you can bet the jersey designs will be done on time.

Late night greetings, blog friends.

Braingeyser XUU

This month is going to be a ride I can already tell.

In the interest of committing to this team and my role on it, I am planning a workout regimen starting now, going up to and through tryouts. Insert the same tired litany of "this will be the year I get in shape" here.

In any case I believe in myself again, and I believe in this team. It will be fun to do it again. Stonefish II. More poison, more butts. Its all good.

Time to Tell the World

I used to be pretty against the clap catch but these days I favor it for about 80% of catches.

Tipping Point

I was having a very productive night but I think I've wandered past "productive sleep deprivation" and back into the familiar realm of "recursive nonsense" sleep deprivation. Despite the world beginning to fog at the edges, as it does when you are desperately fighting to stay awake for no good reason, I'm still enjoying a clarity of thought that has been mostly absent of late.

I'm inclined to start delving into personal issues, but that's probably bad blogsmanship. Its just that noone else is up at this hour, other than my cousin, who has heard it all. But forget that. I've got a backlog of things I've been meaning to write about.

Regionals came suddenly and was over even quicker. It was very exciting to get to watch elite teams play live for the first time. Semis PoNY vs Ironside was an amazing game, with huge plays on both sides. One of the coolest things was seeing calls on close, important plays, between some of the best players in the game, resolved calmly and quickly. I've seen self officiation break down over much lower stakes, so it was very cool to see it work smoothly at such a high level. I made it a goal to improve my call game and get less heated on the field, and I am happy with how that went this season, but there is a higher level. Having seen it, I will strive for it.

A big part of that comes down to the lucidity one can experience playing the game if you are really fit. This blog, more than anything, represents my struggle to construct a work ethic that will serve as an ultimate player and a functional adult human. I've been chugging along but my previous practice has plateaued and I need to strive for a higher level of work ethic in ultimate and life beyond.

Sleep is here and won't be denied for long. Good morning, blog friends.