Creature Fear

The first cut...is the deepest? Thank you for your interest, but...
Oh fickle summer what do you have in store?

I need to define myself as a player, post Gunx. A player without the ease of college practices and the luxury to spend a majority of my time thinking about and playing frisbee.
Although for now I still have the time.
Just no structure.
Without a team, the motivation to train is fickle and fleeting. Without training, the edge gets dull, and when the edge gets dull it lessens the motivation to play.
Don't lose the motivation to play.
But how? Who am I playing for right now?
I don't have an answer to that yet.

One more summer of...childhood? Something like that. One more summer of living at home and going to camp. Realistically speaking, even if I make it onto an established team it is unlikely that I will be able to put my all into it. Without the money to travel, there goes basically everything. And what meager funds I can scrape together from camp and selling art are mostly spoken for, absolving past debts and making future rent payments.

By next summer I will be established, with a job and a life. In the city, even. If that works out, it will be a lot easier to commit to a solid team. I'll be able to pay my own way and carpool with teammates that I can get to know because I will be close enough to not only practice with them but hang out with them.
I can't commit to that this summer, and since I'm not an absolutely ruthless stud player not too many teams are probably going to want to take me on. Can't necessarily get myself to tournaments or even practices.

So what happens now? Taking a season off is not a good option. I don't know if I'd be able to bounce back from that unless I found another way to keep in shape.
Building a team is an enticing idea, but its so much work.
And there lies the main problem with post college frisbee. A problem that is easily solved by caring a lot.
But right now, I'm not sure that I do.
Building a team could be amazing. It will definitely be frustrating and difficult. It will be a lot of work when it would be a lot more fun to just play. But it is looking like I have to choose between working to hold together a group of people or not play any sort of competitive ultimate.

The team I want to play for is committed to playing for one another and enjoying it. To playing with lighthearted swagger and cutthroat confidence. To hanging out and goofing around.
I don't want to play with people who would rather shit talk their teammates than work on their own game. Had enough of that.

In any case, if I am to continue my ultimate career I need to find or build a team. Or find another reason to train so that I can break out of this mental catch 22 bullshit of "need a team to work hard need to work hard to be on a team".
Can someone give me a reason to play?
Who am I?